u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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