I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
