I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
