I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
