I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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