That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
