Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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