I think i peed on brittanys purse
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
