You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
