Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My vagina is officially offended.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
