I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
