She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we're making bets on your personal life
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
