the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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