when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
