i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize