i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
