i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
