idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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