using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize