So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
