Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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