Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I need moral support for this bender
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
