Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
