you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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