Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
