You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
