I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
