Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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