All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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