i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
