i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
