We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
