I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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