I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
