I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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