Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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