I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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