all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
