you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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