my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
