i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i think im in europe. pls send help
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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