tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
