I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
