I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
