We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
