I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
