The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
