He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dicks are not precious.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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