I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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