youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
