i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
