I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
