I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
