My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
