i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
