i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
