Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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