I just saw a hot homeless man
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
