i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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