Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
