Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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