I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
