none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Its about making memories worth repressing
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
